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Busting myths about therapy #2: I'm not "unwell" enough to see a therapist

Hannah Sugarman

We all know about therapy for anxiety - that's something you should definitely do. And if you're struggling with depression, well, of course you should see a therapist. But therapy is just for those people, right? The people who have been diagnosed with something?



We get a lot of our ideas about therapy from the media. Before social media existed, people learned about therapy from TV shows and films. They saw people in straitjackets, in inpatient units, talking to therapists. Sensationalist media stories about "psychotic criminals" increased the stigma around mental health (encouraging responsible reporting about mental health remains a work in progress, with great efforts from fantastic organisations like Mind UK). For a long time, people with mental health problems were different to the rest of the population - and only they were the ones who needed therapy.


With cultural shifts, social media and wonderful awareness raising campaigns, we have seen a huge shift in how much we talk about mental health. The nature of this conversation is changing too: There is increasing acceptance that mental health is relevant to everyone. We all have mental health, and we all experience ups and downs in our mental health depending on what life throws at us.


It seems to me that there are still pretty hefty barriers in place when it comes to help-seeking. Many people are fairly accepting of the need to seek support for mental health if someone is experiencing a diagnosable mental health problem (although the proportion of people with a diagnosable problem who seek help is low: see this post for more details). But what about when someone is experiencing a problem that doesn't seem to fall into a clear category? Read through the following examples and see if any sound familiar, for you or anyone close to you:


  • "I've always been a bit of a worrier, but that's just normal for some people, right? It only affects me, so it's hardly worth doing anything about it"

  • "I'm pretty hard on myself...I've always been that way. My girlfriend says I should see a therapist, but I don't really know what that would do. This is just who I am"

  • "I'll work super long hours, long after everyone else has stopped. No-one else is asking me to do this, but I can't bear to leave something unfinished. I can't stop working on something unless it's absolutely right. My boss says I'm going to do myself some damage if I carry on this way, but I know myself. I can handle it"

  • "I put everyone elses' needs before mine. My friends tell me I should say no more, they tell me I'm too nice. But what's wrong with being too nice?"


I have seen versions of all of the above people in therapy (none of these are real examples, but fictional quotes derived from my experiences of working with clients). For each of them, there would be clear goals for us to work on. In each of these cases, their difficulties might not meet criteria for a mental health problem. But there are habits and tendencies that are getting in the way of their wellbeing, albeit, not in a way that is significantly detrimental to their lives, all of which could be addressed in therapy. If there is a way for someone to optimise their approach so that they are able to review the tendencies that are getting in the way of their wellbeing, isn't it worth doing?


The stuff people should know


I know that it's a lot more complicated than this. People who do not meet criteria for a mental health problem are very unlikely to be able to access help in the public sector. For many people, financial constraints rule out therapy as an option. For others, they may have the means to access therapy, but their barriers are more psychological. Perhaps they think they should be able to cope with stress and ups and downs on their own. Maybe they think that a therapist will force them to talk about things they don't want to discuss. Perhaps they worry about what other people would think, or what it would mean about them if they had to see a therapist. Peoples' experiences in their culture and family of origin strongly influence how they feel about mental health and help-seeking. All of these influences come together to determine the likelihood of someone accessing therapy. It is my hope that this article will, one day, reach someone who has some of the reluctance I have outlined above, and it persuades them to reconsider. In the hope that this happens, I want to offer a few snippets that might help them in their thinking:


  1. You don't have to be experiencing severe or even moderate mental health problems to see a therapist, and you certainly don't have to have a diagnosis. What it does take is courage: Therapy is a vulnerable place to be, and it may take you a while to reach the point where you are willing to put yourself there.

  2. The concepts you learn in therapy are applicable to absolutely everyone, and there is no-one on earth who would not benefit from understanding themselves better. You might actually feel as though you have a bit of a "superpower" after attending therapy and starting to understand certain situations and reactions better.

  3. Therapy can be whatever you want it to be. If you don't want to talk about something, your therapist will never force you to (although be prepared for some respectful curiosity around the things you would prefer to stay away from - your therapist will. want to make sure they aren't complicit in avoidance!)

  4. Not everyone talks about being in therapy, but I guarantee, for every person you know who has told you they have been to therapy, there'll be at least another person who has not told you. This is completely OK - therapy is an incredibly private process, and some people prefer to keep it to themselves. I make this point to highlight that if there are things in life that you are finding hard, despite appearances, you are not the only one who is feeling this way.

  5. This point is so important that you may spot me repeating it across numerous platforms...we are not routinely taught how to handle periods of poor mental health, and yet, we think we should be able to handle them without help. If you need some help to get through a phase of poor mental health, you are not defective! You have just stumbled upon the elephant in the room that most people come into contact with at some point. We all feel pain, yet spend our lives going out of our way to try to make sure it never appears that way (You can find an excellent summary of these ideas in the first few chapters of the book "The Happiness Trap" by Dr. Russ Harris).


Closing thoughts


I could write and write about this topic, but in the interest of keeping this a "5 minute read", will restrain myself! What I will finish up by saying is: Most of the problems that become more bothersome over time tend to do so gradually. Many of the people I have worked with tell me that they have been thinking about seeking help for a while and probably should have done so months or even years ago. It pains me to know that there are so many people out there who aren't getting the support and guidance that could make things easier for them. So I'll share a rule of thumb that I subscribe to, and I hope by reading this, someone else will follow suit:


If your thoughts or feelings are stopping you from living your life the way you want to be able to live it, it might be time to reach out for some help.

What do you think might help you or someone you know to reach out for support for mental health? I'd love to hear your feedback. Drop me a comment or get in touch.


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