This is the first article in my series aiming to demystify the therapy process and challenge some of the myths and misconceptions that stop people from seeking support from a psychologist or therapist.
Let me start by saying: I completely understand why people feel this way. There are no two ways about it: It’s a pretty strange idea to go into a room or a Zoom meeting with someone you have never met before and start telling them about the thoughts and feelings that trouble you - stuff you may never have told anyone. And not just that, but this person won’t tell you very much about themselves: it’s a very unbalanced interaction that can feel pretty strange. For lots of people, the idea of this is enough to put them off the process completely.
But let’s reframe this for a moment. Think about some of the things that stop you from talking about the things that worry you or the things that are getting you down with the people who are already in your life. Lots of people have worries like:
They will think less of me if I tell them I am struggling with this stuff (I should be able to cope!)
Other people seem to be able to manage just fine, so why can't I?
I don't want to be a downer, people don't want to hear me complaining when we're out at the pub
I don't want to worry them
Weighing these concerns against the option of talking to someone who is a complete stranger to you, it can seem like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Many people don't end up talking to anyone at all.
Let's take a closer look at this concern...
...starting with the "complete stranger" idea. The first time you meet a psychologist or therapist, it's true that they will be a complete stranger to you. But it should quickly start to feel as though it isn't the case. A good psychologist or therapist will not be a dispassionate observer who doesn’t care about you. As therapists, we care deeply about our clients: We form therapeutic relationships with them and we are committed to helping them to improve their wellbeing. And it’s essential that we prioritise the relationship for a very good reason:
Research consistently shows that the therapeutic relationship has more of an influence on therapy than any other factor, including the techniques used or the type of therapy being delivered.
This research influences every interaction with every single one of our clients. When we meet a new client, the first priority for us is to build a strong therapeutic relationship, creating an environment that feels safe and welcoming enough that they are able to disclose the things they need to tell us to help us to address their problem.
How your therapist differs from the other people in your life
The relationship you have with your therapist is completely different from the relationships you have in your life already. Your therapist won’t be offended if you show up to a session in a bad mood. They won’t feel like you’re burdening them when you talk about yourself for 50 minutes (quite the opposite - this is exactly what we want you to do!). You don’t need to worry about pleasing us or entertaining us*. Your sessions should be a space where you can provide an honest, unfiltered account of what is happening for you. The dynamic between you and your therapist is set up intentionally, and a good therapist will be constantly holding this in mind. to try to make sure that boundaries remain in place to protect the dynamic that allows you to treat them differently than you do other people in your life. Think about how different this is than taking your problems to a friend or a co-worker: Your conversations in therapy have the sole purpose of moving you forward, without any obligations towards the other person in the conversation.
*Of course, you probably will try to entertain us, or please us. Therapy is in the end a social interaction, and any social interaction is influenced by our personalities and habits. But a good therapist will catch these habits and flag them if they think they are getting in the way of you finding the process helpful. Your therapist will also bring their personality into your sessions with them, but they should try their utmost not to allow this to influence the dynamic in a way that doesn’t help you. This is one of the things we work on in our clinical supervision.
Finding a therapist you can "click" with
If you are considering seeking therapy, there should be a number of factors that influence which therapist you choose, including:
Whether they are qualified to offer treatment for your problem (they should have the appropriate professional registration: check here for clinical psychologists and here for counsellors/psychotherapists)
Whether they are the most suitable professional to help you with your current problem (some really clear and useful information on this can be found here)
Whether you can afford their services, if seeking help in the private sector.
Most importantly, you should think about whether the therapist feels like someone you can talk to about the things you are finding most difficult. This is why I (and most therapists!) offer a free 15 minute consultation. This initial chat is a chance for us to get a feel for each other and understand whether we might be a good fit to work together. Not every therapist is for everyone, and that's OK! But if you can find a therapist with whom you can develop a trusting therapeutic relationship, you are likely to have a positive and helpful experience of therapy, no matter which model they are using.
Is this something you were worried about when thinking about seeking therapy? Which other worries did you have about seeking support? If there are other posts you would find helpful, I'd love to hear ideas. Please get in touch today to let me know!
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